Foster Parents Online

We’ve got a treat today! Ben over at Silly Old Bear (an AWESOME blog to read - trust me, I’ve been reading it for years), took the time to answer some questions. Ben and his wonderful wife fostered a number of children and adopted three (all three are absolutely beautiful, by the way).

Why did you decide to go into foster care?

We had been married for nearly ten years, we wanted kids. It looked like we might have a hard time having them on our own (and it turns out that I’m infertile), and somewhere in there we heard an advertisement for foster training that was going on in our area. Now here’s a note for your audience - they encourage you to NOT go into foster care if you are dealing with fertility issues, and that is good advice. It would be up to each individual or couple if they could handle the feelings that come up along the way. That could be an entire essay by itself, but I wanted to mention that. Some agencies will not license you for foster care (or will have reservations about doing so) if you have fertility issues. We kept it pretty quiet while we were going through the licensing process.

What was the process you followed to become a foster parent and how did you start it?

We attended training classes in the evening for about twelve weeks; during the classes they did a background check and home inspections (fire and health department in addition to children’s services). We also waited a while

Did you find the classes difficult? Informative?

Not difficult. We learned a bunch - since we didn’t have kids some of it is really informative. Before we started we thought we certainly wanted to adopt. After the second class (I think) we changed to foster only (heh). Then later we decided we’d foster and MAYBE adopt.

How long was it after your first class before they called you to foster?

We started training in August; had our interviews after that, were officially licensed in January and had our first placement in March.

What do you see as the biggest difficulties in fostering? The biggest rewards?

Learning patience
That has also been one of the biggest rewards - it’s a long journey.

From my wife, she sees it in stages:
When kids first arrive, they are from different backgrounds, it takes time for everyone to adapt to one another. While they are here, you are constantly learning patience and a million other things about parenting (it’s like taking parenting “up a notch” to steal from Food Network). When kids leave, it breaks your heart and disrupts your house - even though it is often what you know is best for the child. Then you worry that everything is okay for them

There is another side of the difficulties, and that is dealing with the beauracracy of children’s services; court dates and lawyers; doctors, the whole nine yards. Again, that could be another essay (and perhaps sometime if you want we can explore that line of thought)

How long did it take to finalize the adoption of your children?

Our first child it was over a year and a half, and same with the second (mom wanted to contest it but couldn’t stay clean enough so she eventually gave in). Both of these came to us as foster placements that turned out to be permanent. Our third was actually an adoptive placement when she arrived, but it still was over a year before it was final.

What was the adoption process like?

Again, it varies. Our first was tiny when he arrived - three months. While we were going through the adoption process (which was a drawn out series of court dates) we were also fostering other kids, so we had our hands full. It was an emotional roller coaster, and when they finally called and said that everything was done I think I broke down and cried in
my boss’ office. My youngest, as I said, was an adoptive placement from the beginning - we never saw mom, we had only one court date (where the judge said “good luck,”) and then one last date to finalize everything.

The hardest part of that adoption was moving the paperwork to our home town; as soon as you add any wrinkles like that, time and money start to multiply.

Any final words of advice to prospective foster parents?

Fostering is an incredible experience; it is rewarding in ways you cannot imagine. It is not for the timid - I can almost guarantee there will be problems for you at some point - but it’s nothing you can’t overcome. The main thing for me (and for the other foster parents I have dealt with) is that it is all about the children. It is not a child’s fault that mom or dad can’t stay straight or employed or have problems with the law or simply can’t handle parenting tasks. We’re here to offer them a safety
net, and sometimes a new home forever. I can’t think of much that is more important in this world than giving children a chance.