Foster Parents Online

Recently the search string “foster parenting as a business” brought a few people to this website.

Foster parenting is NOT in any way, shape or form a business.

Most people who get into foster care do so because of how they feel about children. Unfortunately some people believe that they can “work at home” by becoming foster parents.

IF you want to be a foster parent only for the money, don’t do it. A child is not a check in any way, shape or form.

A lot of people are wondering what respite is.

Respite is a babysitter for a foster parent. There’s a bit more to it, such as licensing, ect - but in a nutshell, that’s what respite is.

I am not a huge fan of respite. I prefer to have the kids I am taking care of be watched by the same people that watch my own children. I can, however, see the benefits and have no problem BEING a respite provider when necessary.

We got a call last week about a possibly monthly respite situation for a teenager. I gave the go-ahead but haven’t heard anything more from the foster parents. This happens sometimes. Parents think that they want a break and call for respite only to re-think the situation and change their minds afterwards.

Respite can be a great way for new people to get into foster parenting. If you’re not sure whether you’d like to foster parent or not, contact your local DCF office about respite - they can give you any information you may need and it gives YOU a chance to get a feel for foster parenting.

We’ve got a treat today! Ben over at Silly Old Bear (an AWESOME blog to read - trust me, I’ve been reading it for years), took the time to answer some questions. Ben and his wonderful wife fostered a number of children and adopted three (all three are absolutely beautiful, by the way).

Why did you decide to go into foster care?

We had been married for nearly ten years, we wanted kids. It looked like we might have a hard time having them on our own (and it turns out that I’m infertile), and somewhere in there we heard an advertisement for foster training that was going on in our area. Now here’s a note for your audience - they encourage you to NOT go into foster care if you are dealing with fertility issues, and that is good advice. It would be up to each individual or couple if they could handle the feelings that come up along the way. That could be an entire essay by itself, but I wanted to mention that. Some agencies will not license you for foster care (or will have reservations about doing so) if you have fertility issues. We kept it pretty quiet while we were going through the licensing process.

What was the process you followed to become a foster parent and how did you start it?

We attended training classes in the evening for about twelve weeks; during the classes they did a background check and home inspections (fire and health department in addition to children’s services). We also waited a while

Did you find the classes difficult? Informative?

Not difficult. We learned a bunch - since we didn’t have kids some of it is really informative. Before we started we thought we certainly wanted to adopt. After the second class (I think) we changed to foster only (heh). Then later we decided we’d foster and MAYBE adopt.

How long was it after your first class before they called you to foster?

We started training in August; had our interviews after that, were officially licensed in January and had our first placement in March.

What do you see as the biggest difficulties in fostering? The biggest rewards?

Learning patience
That has also been one of the biggest rewards - it’s a long journey.

From my wife, she sees it in stages:
When kids first arrive, they are from different backgrounds, it takes time for everyone to adapt to one another. While they are here, you are constantly learning patience and a million other things about parenting (it’s like taking parenting “up a notch” to steal from Food Network). When kids leave, it breaks your heart and disrupts your house - even though it is often what you know is best for the child. Then you worry that everything is okay for them

There is another side of the difficulties, and that is dealing with the beauracracy of children’s services; court dates and lawyers; doctors, the whole nine yards. Again, that could be another essay (and perhaps sometime if you want we can explore that line of thought)

How long did it take to finalize the adoption of your children?

Our first child it was over a year and a half, and same with the second (mom wanted to contest it but couldn’t stay clean enough so she eventually gave in). Both of these came to us as foster placements that turned out to be permanent. Our third was actually an adoptive placement when she arrived, but it still was over a year before it was final.

What was the adoption process like?

Again, it varies. Our first was tiny when he arrived - three months. While we were going through the adoption process (which was a drawn out series of court dates) we were also fostering other kids, so we had our hands full. It was an emotional roller coaster, and when they finally called and said that everything was done I think I broke down and cried in
my boss’ office. My youngest, as I said, was an adoptive placement from the beginning - we never saw mom, we had only one court date (where the judge said “good luck,”) and then one last date to finalize everything.

The hardest part of that adoption was moving the paperwork to our home town; as soon as you add any wrinkles like that, time and money start to multiply.

Any final words of advice to prospective foster parents?

Fostering is an incredible experience; it is rewarding in ways you cannot imagine. It is not for the timid - I can almost guarantee there will be problems for you at some point - but it’s nothing you can’t overcome. The main thing for me (and for the other foster parents I have dealt with) is that it is all about the children. It is not a child’s fault that mom or dad can’t stay straight or employed or have problems with the law or simply can’t handle parenting tasks. We’re here to offer them a safety
net, and sometimes a new home forever. I can’t think of much that is more important in this world than giving children a chance.

Since it’s been mostly quiet on the questions front (a few here and there that I’ve answered privately), I decided to check and see what is being typed into search engines to bring people here. Two questions popped out right off.

1 - Do I need to become a foster parent to take care of my nephew?

2 - Can I become a foster parent and still homeschool?

Two really, really good questions. Let’s answer these now, shall we?

1 - When our nephew was 16 he was diagnosed with a severe mental disorder. Because of his disorder, and his wildness, my sister-in-law could no longer care adequately for him - so we did. He was placed with us through the local department of mental health and, because of his situation, we recieved a stipend every month for his care. All of this occured before we ever had a license. This is called kinship care.

It is possible to become a caregiver for your relative without being a licensed foster parent, but the amount of money you recieve, or IF you recieve money, depends greatly on the state and the circumstances surrounding the case. DCF always does their best to find a suitable relative to take the child that has been taken into custody, but if none can be found, the child goes formally into the foster care system, living with a licensed foster family. A social worker will be the one to decide if a family member that wants to take the child is capable of doing so.

2- In our foster course we actually had someone bring up this question. She had home schooled both of her children, who were now in high school, and wanted to do the same with any foster child that came into her home. The answer from the instructor was an emphatic “no”. She explained that when a child comes into your home, you are not their legal guardian - the state is. With the state’s guidelines the child needs to be placed in a licensed school system, especially if they come to the family and are already enrolled in a school. If adoption is finalized, only then can you pull your child out of school and homeschool them.

Foster parenting, homeschooling, kinship care

Alright, I’m “officially” opening up the floor for questions. I have mentioned previously that I want this to be a place that anyone can come to get answers about foster parenting, so let’s go! Ask any question you want, no question is bad. Unless you’re enquiring about the size of my husband’s genitalia, then we MAY need to talk…

I will answer all questions by Tuesday, so ask away!

Foster Parenting, Q&A

As a writer for this network, I also do the Brad Pitt website. It’s not often that stories from the two sites can intertwine, but this morning I discovered one that could.

According to Life & Style Magazine, Brad Pitt has walked out on Angelina for ignoring their biological daugher, Shiloh, over their adopted children.

One thing that a lot of prospective foster/adoptive parents worry about: that they will love their biological children more than their foster or adopted children. In Angie’s case, of course, the situation is backwards, but it still has to do with loving one child more than another.

I don’t generally worry about this. If you are brave enough and have enough heart to go into foster care than you have enough room in your heart for more children. It’s as simple as that. You have to love children to even consider becoming a foster parent, so it is only natural that you will come to love whatever child is in your home.

My oldest son is 6, and I have always told him that I do not love him MORE, I have just loved him LONGER, because he’s the oldest. It is the same with foster children - the longer they are in your home, the more you will love them.

And Angie? If you are doing what all these magazines say you are doing? Than do us all a favor: give Brad ALL of the kids and head for the hills.

Foster Parenting, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt

I got a good question the other day from Jennifer over at the Parenting Toddler’s blog. She asked if the process to becoming a foster parent is difficult.

First of all, let me say that every State requirement is a little bit different. With all of them, though, you will be required to take a certain amount of classes and to have a thorough background check, as well as a home visit.

In our state we were required to take forty hours of foster parent training, which occured in a six week time frame two nights a week. It was there that we recieved a large binder that had (and still has) absolutely gobs of information in it. We did find that most prospective foster parents came as a couple, which makes sense because if you are married or with someone, you will both have a vested interest in any foster children that enter your home.

After the classes, which did teach us a lot, our name was put on a list with the state to get a background check and to await the home inspection. Here’s a tip: the home inspection isn’t so much about viewing your home as it is about the inspector getting to know the prospective foster parents.

Our inspector sat down with me for at least 45 minutes, with my husband for about 30 minutes, and then with us both for over an hour. She asked some very personal questions, such as how we found our lives growing up, what we liked about our parents techniques and what we didn’t like about them. She asked how we thought our growing up would affect our being foster parents, and, the biggie, why, exactly, did we want to become foster parents.

After that grueling interrogation (which was filled with serious moments as well as a lot of laughter), she pulled out our background check. A word of warning: if you don’t want your spouse to find out about anything, and I mean ANYTHING, from your past, do not have a foster care facility do a background check. They find everything! They had that I had been pulled over once, years and years before, for an expired registration, even though I didn’t get any points on my license! They had the times my husband had gone to court over a civil suit and they even had information from our high schools!

After you pass the home inspection, the inspector will give you your license. Your license will probably specify how many children you can have in your home at any one point in time. Do NOT expect DCF to definitely follow those mandates. In the world we’re in today there are too many children needing care and too few foster parents. Be content in knowing, though, that you can always say “no” to a placement.

And that was it! We are required to keep training and to keep getting hours accumulated in order to keep our license, but it’s nothing major. If you have any interest whatsoever in becoming a foster parent, you should contact your local DCF. They will happily (VERY happily) send you information and sign you up for the free training. Remember, you can always back out of the training. Tomorrow I’ll enlighten you as to some people that did drop out of our training course and why they did so.

Foster parenting, DCF, foster parent courses

The biggest question I get when people find out that my husband and I are foster parents is: why?

To that I reply: “Why does a fireman become a fireman? Why does a policeman become a policeman? Why does a person go into the military?”

Every foster parent will have their own reasons for going into this demanding job. Some do it because they can have no children of their own and hope to adopt, others do it because they were mistreated as children themselves and want to save another child from that fate, while still others do it just for the money. Let me give you a hint: if you’re doing it for the money you’re going to be vastly disappointed. But we’ll save that for another post.

My husband was a foster child. When he was 18 months old he was removed from his mother’s care and placed with a family that came to love him and, eventually, adopt him. To him, these parents are his true mom and dad. His parents continued to foster children and he saw tons of boys and girls enter their care and leave. Some were reunited with their biological parents, others were moved to another foster home or adopted, but most of them would eventually come back on their doorstep and say, “thank you.” My husband does it because he loves children and wants to give back to them the opportunity that was given to him.

I am an only child. My parents divorced when I was 16 months old and my mother raised me herself until I was in eighth grade. From her I learned to be a strong, independant woman, but I always felt I was missing something. I never had any siblings and was more at home conversing with grown-ups than other children my age. When I was a teen I thought that my mother should become a foster parent and urged her to do so, but she would just grumble and say that it was too much work and there were no guarantees that you would not get a child that would hurt your family.

I wanted to become a foster parent because I love children, plain and simple. To me children are the most innocent of the entire human race and do not deserve to have to suffer, ever, period. Unfortunately this world is not a gentle place and for many, many children, hell is a place called home. I am in hopes that the children we foster and have fostered will learn that there is unconditional love and become better people for it.

The point is that you do what you can - what you’re able to do. My husband and I are fortunate that we are able to foster, but even if you’re not, spending just an hour a week with a child by being a big brother or big sister impacts their lives in ways that we as adults will never fully understand.