Foster Parents Online

This summer is flying by - one day I post, the next day I realize that almost a WEEK has gone by since I posted! I do have, however, a good story for you.

The other day my sister-in-law (who will now be referred to as SIL to shorten the typing…which I just lengthened in explaining that…) came down. She’s a frequent visitor to our house. She was looking to get a new tattoo and had me looking up the Dreamworks logo - you know, the one with the moon and the little fisherman on the end of it? She wants that, with the crescent of the moon to be the “d” in the word “Dream”. Then she said she wanted three little stars near the Dream.

“Why three stars?” my husband asked.

“For Babygirl and Toad…” she hesitated… “and for FS.”

For those just tuning in, FS was our first toddler foster son, who lived with us from the middle of January until the end of May. He is now currently very happy in a new home with a school teacher mom, a farmer dad and two doting teenaged foster brothers.

So my SIL wants to get a tattoo of a foster son that we had with us for five months. Now I will NEVER forget any foster children we have, and am keeping a running track on my computer (complete with pics), but this, to me, is going a little far - especially as she is the SIL/Aunt and not the foster mom or dad. I really don’t know how to handle this situation without hurting her.

If she keeps this up, she’ll have a solar system on her legs before we’re done…

I don’t think I’ve mentioned before, but my mother works at a school for…challanging…children. By this I mean she works at a school that is funded by the state for children who have behavioral issues. A lot of times these kids are not that bad - they just are in a school where the teachers are overworked and do not want to deal with any difficulties.

This school uses a type of “respite”. Whenever a child acts up to the point that they have to be asked to leave school, a person comes, picks them up, and takes them away until school ends, when they bring them back to greet the bus.

It looks like I am going to be one of the respite providers.

We’ve discussed it for a long time, but they already had 2 homes and really didn’t need a third. As it turns out, one of the homes is full up with children and the other has a sex offender living in it, so they are not a viable option. We are! I am kind of excited about this as it’s something I haven’t done before - and at the same time I’m a bit nervous because - well - it’s something I haven’t done before.

Knowing that I could have a child come into my home that is a bit wild is intimidating. But I truly believe that all children are good children, and that you can bring the good out of them with the right work and incentives.

An interesting thing to note - not that it has anything to do with the discussion, but almost all of the children at the school are male - why is that, I wonder?

Sorry it’s been a few days - Babygirl, Toad, Scott and I have been getting into a new routine since FS left our home. I had a really, really rough night on Thursday night, worrying that FS was really upset. After I wrote the post I went to Scott bawling. It was definitely tough.

Yesteday, though, I heard from his Infant/Toddler teacher. She had gone out to the new home and wanted me to know how he was doing.

“He’s got his own room, and he’s psyched about it. It’s decorated perfectly for a little boy. He’s got his own toys, and the new foster mom says that just when she starts to get tired, her older sons (they’re 12 and 14) come home and start to play with FS, so he’s always got someone willing to play with him.”

This lightened my load considerably and reminded me WHY I do this - to help children find their forever families. Looks like FS has just found his.

It doesn’t mean, though, that we will be out of his life forever - and the saga with his biomom and the new foster family is just beginning. But now I can rest easy knowing that he’s safe, he’s secure, and he’s loved the way he needs to be.

Foster Care, FS, Foster Mother, Biological Mom

Today we dropped of FS at DCF for a visit and he left with his new foster parents.

FS is almost 3, but has the mind of a 2 year old, thus explaining it all to him was decided against (by his case worker and therapist). I dropped him off for his visit, came home, packed all of this things, and went back to await the new parents. They seemed like a nice couple, and the mother actually started tearing up at the hopes that he can become their new son permanently.

I transferred everything to the father’s truck (out of sight of FS - he was still at the office) and went back to the office to find them fitting him into his new car seat. He was SO excited. “Mom look!” he exclaimed and proceeded to sit in it and show me how it worked. I sat back and let the new foster mom ooh and aah over everything.

Then the time came to go, and his case worker said, “Hey FS - would you like to go see some cows?” The new foster father works on a farm. He got really excited and let the foster mom help him on with his jacket.

“Say goodbye to mom,” she said to him.

He came over to me, “bye”, he said with a grin on his face. I zipped up his jacket and gave him a quick hug. “Bye baby.”

I felt myself starting to cry, which was not good for him, so I walked into the other room, leaving my biodaughter Babygirl with the therapist.

And FS walked out of my life.

Foster parenting

Tomorrow, after his visit with his biomom, FS will be leaving us. I will be meeting his new foster mom at DCF and transferring his things while he is still in his visit. This is good because it allows me to pack his things while he is at his visit, so he doesn’t have to see me doing it.

Yes, I am a little sad, but ideally this is what’s best for him, and that is what Foster Parenting is all about. So I’m going to spend the day goofing around with the two little ones, and trying to enjoy oursleves, and I will be back, tomorrow afternoon, with details about how it happened, and the meeting we had yesterday with his biomom (UGH).

Next week, it is very likely that FS will be leaving our home and going to a possible adoptive home.

While I can not get a straight answer from DCF, it sounds like they will be going for TPR (termination of parental rights). We told his caseworker that if this occured, we wanted them to find a permanent home for him, as we were not going to be able to adopt him.

A few days ago his case worker said she thought they had a possible placement. Two days ago I talked to his new possible foster/adoptive mother.

They’re new to fostering and have two tweenagers, which is perfect for FS. The mother is a teacher, and the father is a farmer. This is IDEAL for him. His new foster mother sounds really nice. He will probably be heading to his new home either Wednesday night or Thursday night. We feel this is best as we have two burials to attend on Friday, and do not want him to have to have the stress of going through it all at once.

Yes, I’m a little sad, but I know that this is the best thing for him. He’s almost 3 years old and deserves someone to love him unconditionally and to be crazy for him. While we love and care for him, he does not mesh well with our family, just as we do not mesh well with him. To adopt him would lead to serious family problems, so I am glad that they have found someone who wants to adopt him.

More on this later this week…

For the first time…EVER…our foster son came to me today and told me he had to go poop - and then proceeded to go poop on the potty.

YAY!!!!

Most children that come into foster care have a problem that comes with them. Some have only minor ones, some have major ones, but none of them are perfect. Our FS’s big problem (one of many) was learning to go pee and poopy on the potty.

Today marked a landmark!

Potty training, foster children problems

Tomorrow morning, bright and early at 8:30 A.M., I will have FS’s Infant/Toddler teacher, new EEE teacher, the EEE teacher’s boss, FS’s social worker AND therapist all here, sitting comfy and cozy in my home.

FS is turning three in a month, which means he transfers from the Infant/Toddler program to the EEE (school) program. The meeting is to discuss his need for an IEP (individual education plan) or 501 (another type of specialized education plan).

His Infant/Toddler teacher told me last week that the social worker hardly EVER shows up. Then she called me yesterday.

“So, hi, Randi? Yeah, it looks like P is going to be coming after all. Are you still okay with this?”

“I guess so - they won’t be freaked out if I’m still wearing, like, a nightie at 8:30 in the morning, will they?” (TOTAL JOKE HERE PEOPLE - my nightie comes off at 8! )

And the I spoke with this therapist twenty minutes later.

“So it looks like, as long as things go as planned, I’ll be at your house too.”

This is one thing about having a foster child that takes getting used to. Foster children have a HUGE safety net under them. It’s good because it gives you someone to turn to when you need help - it’s NOT so good when you’ve got to host them all in your house and IT’S NOT CLEAN!!!

If you need me, I’ll be scrubbing the floor!

Foster Parenting, Social Workers, EEE, Infant/Toddler

Since it’s been mostly quiet on the questions front (a few here and there that I’ve answered privately), I decided to check and see what is being typed into search engines to bring people here. Two questions popped out right off.

1 - Do I need to become a foster parent to take care of my nephew?

2 - Can I become a foster parent and still homeschool?

Two really, really good questions. Let’s answer these now, shall we?

1 - When our nephew was 16 he was diagnosed with a severe mental disorder. Because of his disorder, and his wildness, my sister-in-law could no longer care adequately for him - so we did. He was placed with us through the local department of mental health and, because of his situation, we recieved a stipend every month for his care. All of this occured before we ever had a license. This is called kinship care.

It is possible to become a caregiver for your relative without being a licensed foster parent, but the amount of money you recieve, or IF you recieve money, depends greatly on the state and the circumstances surrounding the case. DCF always does their best to find a suitable relative to take the child that has been taken into custody, but if none can be found, the child goes formally into the foster care system, living with a licensed foster family. A social worker will be the one to decide if a family member that wants to take the child is capable of doing so.

2- In our foster course we actually had someone bring up this question. She had home schooled both of her children, who were now in high school, and wanted to do the same with any foster child that came into her home. The answer from the instructor was an emphatic “no”. She explained that when a child comes into your home, you are not their legal guardian - the state is. With the state’s guidelines the child needs to be placed in a licensed school system, especially if they come to the family and are already enrolled in a school. If adoption is finalized, only then can you pull your child out of school and homeschool them.

Foster parenting, homeschooling, kinship care

There are a lot of people who are mandated reporters: school teachers, doctors, nurses, ect. Foster parents are also mandated reporters.

What is a mandated reporters? In plain English it means that if you suspect that child abuse or neglect is occuring, you are required, by law, to report it to the authorities (i.e. DCF). If you do not report it to the authorities and it is proven that you had knowledge of it, you could be in trouble and, possibly, face jail time.

While this sounds kind of scary, it really isn’t. Children need protection and people to look out for them, because they often don’t know what is good in life and what is bad. In my opinion, EVERYBODY should be considered a mandated reporter.

Mandated reporter, foster care

Alright, I’m “officially” opening up the floor for questions. I have mentioned previously that I want this to be a place that anyone can come to get answers about foster parenting, so let’s go! Ask any question you want, no question is bad. Unless you’re enquiring about the size of my husband’s genitalia, then we MAY need to talk…

I will answer all questions by Tuesday, so ask away!

Foster Parenting, Q&A