Foster Parents Online

Any foster parent will tell you that planning a meal for a large family can be daunting. We are a family that has a large meal every Sunday, and each week it’s a new ordeal. Lately, we have taken to respite care which means that each weekend we have a new set of kids sitting down to the table, rejoicing in family and enjoying a good meal. Or not.

Last Sunday, we had J and E in addition to our own brood of 6. J is 8, E is 6. I planned a typical Sunday dinner: barbecued chicken, macaroni and cheese, cabbage with corned beef, cornbread, rice, potato salad, and apple pie. After church the meal was started. I cooked while doing laundry, refereeing arguments, dusting, and entertaining family from out of town. I was exhausted by the time the serving platters hit the table and I was none-too-pleased to hear the barrage of “I don’t like” “Please don’t give me” “That’s yucky!” and “Eewwww! WHAT is THAT?!” Most of those pleas came from our weekend guests, J and E, who hadn’t been with us long enough to know or appreciate our etiquette rules of the table. In the end, J ended up with a plate full of potato salad and a tablespoon of everything else (just to try) and E, following suit, feasted on a meal of chicken and rice. Yummy.

Foster parents are in a unique position when the holidays come around. Inevitably, our traditions are pressed on our foster kids as if ours were theirs, our meal tastes and ideas imposed upon them seemingly without thought as to what their preferences or traditions are. I know that in this house, and in the homes of the majority of foster parents I network with, this is just not true.

When a big holiday comes around and we do all that we can to incorporate our new family member’s traditions into our own, but often that proves fruitless as we can not, and often should not attempt to reproduce what the children had at home. Holidays are often difficult for foster children because they may have bad memories or experiences surrounding these days that mean so much to us.

Providing respite care poses a whole new challenge because, of course, it wouldn’t make sense for us to rearrange our whole holiday for people who are only passing through. So what to do? With Thanksgiving only a week away it’s time to start shopping for our meal and planning our spreads. How will you handle the different tastes of Thanksgiving if you provide foster care or respite on this day of Thanks? This foster family shares their experience from last year…what are your ideas for this year?

This summer is flying by - one day I post, the next day I realize that almost a WEEK has gone by since I posted! I do have, however, a good story for you.

The other day my sister-in-law (who will now be referred to as SIL to shorten the typing…which I just lengthened in explaining that…) came down. She’s a frequent visitor to our house. She was looking to get a new tattoo and had me looking up the Dreamworks logo - you know, the one with the moon and the little fisherman on the end of it? She wants that, with the crescent of the moon to be the “d” in the word “Dream”. Then she said she wanted three little stars near the Dream.

“Why three stars?” my husband asked.

“For Babygirl and Toad…” she hesitated… “and for FS.”

For those just tuning in, FS was our first toddler foster son, who lived with us from the middle of January until the end of May. He is now currently very happy in a new home with a school teacher mom, a farmer dad and two doting teenaged foster brothers.

So my SIL wants to get a tattoo of a foster son that we had with us for five months. Now I will NEVER forget any foster children we have, and am keeping a running track on my computer (complete with pics), but this, to me, is going a little far - especially as she is the SIL/Aunt and not the foster mom or dad. I really don’t know how to handle this situation without hurting her.

If she keeps this up, she’ll have a solar system on her legs before we’re done…

Things have been kinda nutso here this week. My new laptop came in so I’m in the process of moving my husband out of bed and the laptop in! Seriously, it’s nice to be able to be mobile and not tethered to a desk.

It’s actually been pretty quiet lately. No foster calls. This is a GOOD thing - this means that people are taking care of their children, which they should. So here’s an example of how I feel about some of this:

I have a nephew - Scott and I raised him from 16 - 19. If you think it’s easy raising a 16 year old when you’re only 23, think again. Anyway, he has some mental problems and eventually, after we’d helped him to graduate school and get a job and so forth, we all felt that it would be in his best interest to get an apartment. They helped him to get one and he moved out. A few months later we discovered that his girlfriend was pregnant. Oy vey.

My sister-in-law, one of his other aunts, got upset at me one day. “He’s keeping that baby clean and fed!” she yelled.

“Yeah, and he quit his job and has nothing else to do. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad the baby is being taken care of, but it should not be impressive when someone takes care of their infant - it’s their infant, they have the responsibility to do so.”

Raising children is not a “sometimes” thing - we should not be in such a society where we are impressed when someone actually takes care of their children. That makes me sad.

My mother says this constantly, and it annoys me to no end.

“Randi - I’ve got too much on my plate right now. I can’t handle anything else.”

This is her excuse for everything. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my mother with every breath in my body. I simply don’t understand how she has so much on her plate that she can’t spend more time with us and with her grandchildren. I told her the other day that I am now the treasurer for the Parent’s Club for my son’s school.

“Don’t you have enough to do?”

Let’s see, I work from home, I take care of my two children, and I do the day-to-day things that everyone else has to do. No, I don’t think I’m adding too much to my schedule.

She tends to stress out about things that she really doesn’t need to, such as getting the garden weeded or painting the front steps. So you’re a day late getting the weeds out of your garden - so what? You need to strike a balance between enjoying life and fulfilling your obligations.

This is something that all foster parents, and regular parents for that matter, have to do. You have to find a way to balance everything, which can’t be easy. Don’t feel bad to let your hair down for a night and plop in front of the TV with the kids watching movies with McDonalds for supper and ice cream for dessert - sometimes we all need to relax, and how much nicer when you can relax with your kids?

We had a call yesterday for a 17 year old girl - according to her case manager, she’s a habitual liar.

Ummmm…no.

I say this for a reason. If we were to take her in and I had to leave for the evening, for whatever reason, she could say that Scott molested her, and our own children would be taken away while we waited for a formal investigation.

Helping children is great - including your own. Sometimes you have to say “no” in order to protect your kids. Your kids come first, or else you could end up having them be in foster care.

I’ve decided to start a little thing called “YouTubeFriday” - there are tons of great You Tube videos about foster parents and foster children. Here’s the first one - it’s about a gentleman that wants our opinion about whether or not he should be a single foster parent.

My opinion? I’ve said before that single foster parenting is DEFINITELY possible - but you have to be a very strong person in order to accomplish it. Foster children come with baggage, and single parenting even your OWN children can be difficult. What do you think?

I don’t think I’ve mentioned before, but my mother works at a school for…challanging…children. By this I mean she works at a school that is funded by the state for children who have behavioral issues. A lot of times these kids are not that bad - they just are in a school where the teachers are overworked and do not want to deal with any difficulties.

This school uses a type of “respite”. Whenever a child acts up to the point that they have to be asked to leave school, a person comes, picks them up, and takes them away until school ends, when they bring them back to greet the bus.

It looks like I am going to be one of the respite providers.

We’ve discussed it for a long time, but they already had 2 homes and really didn’t need a third. As it turns out, one of the homes is full up with children and the other has a sex offender living in it, so they are not a viable option. We are! I am kind of excited about this as it’s something I haven’t done before - and at the same time I’m a bit nervous because - well - it’s something I haven’t done before.

Knowing that I could have a child come into my home that is a bit wild is intimidating. But I truly believe that all children are good children, and that you can bring the good out of them with the right work and incentives.

An interesting thing to note - not that it has anything to do with the discussion, but almost all of the children at the school are male - why is that, I wonder?

A lot of people are wondering what respite is.

Respite is a babysitter for a foster parent. There’s a bit more to it, such as licensing, ect - but in a nutshell, that’s what respite is.

I am not a huge fan of respite. I prefer to have the kids I am taking care of be watched by the same people that watch my own children. I can, however, see the benefits and have no problem BEING a respite provider when necessary.

We got a call last week about a possibly monthly respite situation for a teenager. I gave the go-ahead but haven’t heard anything more from the foster parents. This happens sometimes. Parents think that they want a break and call for respite only to re-think the situation and change their minds afterwards.

Respite can be a great way for new people to get into foster parenting. If you’re not sure whether you’d like to foster parent or not, contact your local DCF office about respite - they can give you any information you may need and it gives YOU a chance to get a feel for foster parenting.

I recieved this in an e-mail from FS’s new foster mom yesterday evening.

FS is doing wonderfully! We have all fallen in love with him. He’s adjusting quickly to his schedule with us. I am really hoping that he’ll be with us forever. He’s a perfect fit in our family. My children love having him in the house and he loves being with them as well. He has brought new life into our home. I must admit that I love watching my own children play with him almost as much as I enjoy playing with him myself. He is such a happy, little boy and he’s bringing great joy to all of us. My mom and dad are visiting tomorrow and they, too, are so excited about meeting him.

Thanks for your advice and especially for being there for FS when he needed you the most.

For anybody who ever wondered why a foster parent does it? The answer is right there.

Sorry it’s been a few days - Babygirl, Toad, Scott and I have been getting into a new routine since FS left our home. I had a really, really rough night on Thursday night, worrying that FS was really upset. After I wrote the post I went to Scott bawling. It was definitely tough.

Yesteday, though, I heard from his Infant/Toddler teacher. She had gone out to the new home and wanted me to know how he was doing.

“He’s got his own room, and he’s psyched about it. It’s decorated perfectly for a little boy. He’s got his own toys, and the new foster mom says that just when she starts to get tired, her older sons (they’re 12 and 14) come home and start to play with FS, so he’s always got someone willing to play with him.”

This lightened my load considerably and reminded me WHY I do this - to help children find their forever families. Looks like FS has just found his.

It doesn’t mean, though, that we will be out of his life forever - and the saga with his biomom and the new foster family is just beginning. But now I can rest easy knowing that he’s safe, he’s secure, and he’s loved the way he needs to be.

Foster Care, FS, Foster Mother, Biological Mom

Today we dropped of FS at DCF for a visit and he left with his new foster parents.

FS is almost 3, but has the mind of a 2 year old, thus explaining it all to him was decided against (by his case worker and therapist). I dropped him off for his visit, came home, packed all of this things, and went back to await the new parents. They seemed like a nice couple, and the mother actually started tearing up at the hopes that he can become their new son permanently.

I transferred everything to the father’s truck (out of sight of FS - he was still at the office) and went back to the office to find them fitting him into his new car seat. He was SO excited. “Mom look!” he exclaimed and proceeded to sit in it and show me how it worked. I sat back and let the new foster mom ooh and aah over everything.

Then the time came to go, and his case worker said, “Hey FS - would you like to go see some cows?” The new foster father works on a farm. He got really excited and let the foster mom help him on with his jacket.

“Say goodbye to mom,” she said to him.

He came over to me, “bye”, he said with a grin on his face. I zipped up his jacket and gave him a quick hug. “Bye baby.”

I felt myself starting to cry, which was not good for him, so I walked into the other room, leaving my biodaughter Babygirl with the therapist.

And FS walked out of my life.

Foster parenting

Tomorrow, after his visit with his biomom, FS will be leaving us. I will be meeting his new foster mom at DCF and transferring his things while he is still in his visit. This is good because it allows me to pack his things while he is at his visit, so he doesn’t have to see me doing it.

Yes, I am a little sad, but ideally this is what’s best for him, and that is what Foster Parenting is all about. So I’m going to spend the day goofing around with the two little ones, and trying to enjoy oursleves, and I will be back, tomorrow afternoon, with details about how it happened, and the meeting we had yesterday with his biomom (UGH).

Next week, it is very likely that FS will be leaving our home and going to a possible adoptive home.

While I can not get a straight answer from DCF, it sounds like they will be going for TPR (termination of parental rights). We told his caseworker that if this occured, we wanted them to find a permanent home for him, as we were not going to be able to adopt him.

A few days ago his case worker said she thought they had a possible placement. Two days ago I talked to his new possible foster/adoptive mother.

They’re new to fostering and have two tweenagers, which is perfect for FS. The mother is a teacher, and the father is a farmer. This is IDEAL for him. His new foster mother sounds really nice. He will probably be heading to his new home either Wednesday night or Thursday night. We feel this is best as we have two burials to attend on Friday, and do not want him to have to have the stress of going through it all at once.

Yes, I’m a little sad, but I know that this is the best thing for him. He’s almost 3 years old and deserves someone to love him unconditionally and to be crazy for him. While we love and care for him, he does not mesh well with our family, just as we do not mesh well with him. To adopt him would lead to serious family problems, so I am glad that they have found someone who wants to adopt him.

More on this later this week…

Yesterday was what I call the “kiddie” march in our local town. It’s held by HeadStart and is to bring awareness that education for young children is an excellent thing. Over a hundred kids gather and march down the main road, stopping traffic and following a band. It is an awesome sight.

FS’s Infant/Toddler teacher had planned to go with me, because me with just FS and Babygirl in a park filled with over a hundred children did NOT sound like a good time.

Halfway through the march I hear something behind me. It’s a voice calling out FS’s name. Oh.No.

There she was, FS’s biological mother, marching behind us with one of her cronies trying to get his attention. The teacher had FS with her, and I was behind her, so I sort of tried to shield him, but it was no use. Eventually, he heard her and saw her. The next thing I knew she had abandoned her daughter to go up and hold FS’s hand - so there he was holding both hands.

We got to the park and I saw biomom try to pull FS away with her. I do not think she was attempting to run with him, but she was trying to assert dominance over him. The teacher did NOT let go.

She ended up sitting with us as we ate our ice cream, and the teacher watched over him while he played on the playground - with his biomom right there the whole time. I tried to avoid the situation, as there were so many things I wanted to say, but knew I shouldn’t. She was so focused on FS, however, that she lost her five-year-old daughter, and didn’t seem concerned about losing her.

Eventually it was time to go, and the teacher had me walk out and said she’d be behind in a few minutes. She was, and I could clearly hear FS saying, “I don’t wanna” with a pouty expression on his face. Turns out that his biomom was crying and hugging him tight. I do understand that it’s difficult, but her social worker hs explained that her doing that makes it more difficult for FS, and she’s not supposed to.

The teacher then told me that she’d overheard biomom making this statement:

“She didn’t buy you sandals? Don’t worry - momma will buy you sandals shortly.”

Yeah - he just barely (last weekend) got new shoes - like I wouldn’t get him sandals as summer came on. Uh huh. Stupid little comments like that can make you livid, but, as his social worker has said many times, there are so many more fish to fry, it’s good to not get hung up on the minnows.

Foster Parenting, FS

Today I have had enough.

It’s been a rough month, with my grandmother passing on and starting a new job, but for some reason, today, I’ve had it.

My biodaughter, Babygirl, wanted a blanket this morning while I was in the bathroom. Toad (bioson) told her to go get it. FS decided that HE wanted the same blanket, so HE went and grabbed it and wouldn’t let it go. Toad tried to referee, and FS slapped him in the face.

I called my husband, very upset, because we have always agreed that if our children were miserable, we would do something to change the situation. They’re miserable - I’m miserable. This situation, as much as I hate to say it, can not continue. Scott will be heading to DCF after work to talk with them.

Unfortunately there are times when, as much as you want to help, you just can’t. I think we may have reached an impasse -