Foster Parents Online

Things have been kinda nutso here this week. My new laptop came in so I’m in the process of moving my husband out of bed and the laptop in! Seriously, it’s nice to be able to be mobile and not tethered to a desk.

It’s actually been pretty quiet lately. No foster calls. This is a GOOD thing - this means that people are taking care of their children, which they should. So here’s an example of how I feel about some of this:

I have a nephew - Scott and I raised him from 16 - 19. If you think it’s easy raising a 16 year old when you’re only 23, think again. Anyway, he has some mental problems and eventually, after we’d helped him to graduate school and get a job and so forth, we all felt that it would be in his best interest to get an apartment. They helped him to get one and he moved out. A few months later we discovered that his girlfriend was pregnant. Oy vey.

My sister-in-law, one of his other aunts, got upset at me one day. “He’s keeping that baby clean and fed!” she yelled.

“Yeah, and he quit his job and has nothing else to do. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad the baby is being taken care of, but it should not be impressive when someone takes care of their infant - it’s their infant, they have the responsibility to do so.”

Raising children is not a “sometimes” thing - we should not be in such a society where we are impressed when someone actually takes care of their children. That makes me sad.

My mother says this constantly, and it annoys me to no end.

“Randi - I’ve got too much on my plate right now. I can’t handle anything else.”

This is her excuse for everything. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my mother with every breath in my body. I simply don’t understand how she has so much on her plate that she can’t spend more time with us and with her grandchildren. I told her the other day that I am now the treasurer for the Parent’s Club for my son’s school.

“Don’t you have enough to do?”

Let’s see, I work from home, I take care of my two children, and I do the day-to-day things that everyone else has to do. No, I don’t think I’m adding too much to my schedule.

She tends to stress out about things that she really doesn’t need to, such as getting the garden weeded or painting the front steps. So you’re a day late getting the weeds out of your garden - so what? You need to strike a balance between enjoying life and fulfilling your obligations.

This is something that all foster parents, and regular parents for that matter, have to do. You have to find a way to balance everything, which can’t be easy. Don’t feel bad to let your hair down for a night and plop in front of the TV with the kids watching movies with McDonalds for supper and ice cream for dessert - sometimes we all need to relax, and how much nicer when you can relax with your kids?

We had a call yesterday for a 17 year old girl - according to her case manager, she’s a habitual liar.

Ummmm…no.

I say this for a reason. If we were to take her in and I had to leave for the evening, for whatever reason, she could say that Scott molested her, and our own children would be taken away while we waited for a formal investigation.

Helping children is great - including your own. Sometimes you have to say “no” in order to protect your kids. Your kids come first, or else you could end up having them be in foster care.

Sorry it’s been a few days - Babygirl, Toad, Scott and I have been getting into a new routine since FS left our home. I had a really, really rough night on Thursday night, worrying that FS was really upset. After I wrote the post I went to Scott bawling. It was definitely tough.

Yesteday, though, I heard from his Infant/Toddler teacher. She had gone out to the new home and wanted me to know how he was doing.

“He’s got his own room, and he’s psyched about it. It’s decorated perfectly for a little boy. He’s got his own toys, and the new foster mom says that just when she starts to get tired, her older sons (they’re 12 and 14) come home and start to play with FS, so he’s always got someone willing to play with him.”

This lightened my load considerably and reminded me WHY I do this - to help children find their forever families. Looks like FS has just found his.

It doesn’t mean, though, that we will be out of his life forever - and the saga with his biomom and the new foster family is just beginning. But now I can rest easy knowing that he’s safe, he’s secure, and he’s loved the way he needs to be.

Foster Care, FS, Foster Mother, Biological Mom

Today we dropped of FS at DCF for a visit and he left with his new foster parents.

FS is almost 3, but has the mind of a 2 year old, thus explaining it all to him was decided against (by his case worker and therapist). I dropped him off for his visit, came home, packed all of this things, and went back to await the new parents. They seemed like a nice couple, and the mother actually started tearing up at the hopes that he can become their new son permanently.

I transferred everything to the father’s truck (out of sight of FS - he was still at the office) and went back to the office to find them fitting him into his new car seat. He was SO excited. “Mom look!” he exclaimed and proceeded to sit in it and show me how it worked. I sat back and let the new foster mom ooh and aah over everything.

Then the time came to go, and his case worker said, “Hey FS - would you like to go see some cows?” The new foster father works on a farm. He got really excited and let the foster mom help him on with his jacket.

“Say goodbye to mom,” she said to him.

He came over to me, “bye”, he said with a grin on his face. I zipped up his jacket and gave him a quick hug. “Bye baby.”

I felt myself starting to cry, which was not good for him, so I walked into the other room, leaving my biodaughter Babygirl with the therapist.

And FS walked out of my life.

Foster parenting

Tomorrow, after his visit with his biomom, FS will be leaving us. I will be meeting his new foster mom at DCF and transferring his things while he is still in his visit. This is good because it allows me to pack his things while he is at his visit, so he doesn’t have to see me doing it.

Yes, I am a little sad, but ideally this is what’s best for him, and that is what Foster Parenting is all about. So I’m going to spend the day goofing around with the two little ones, and trying to enjoy oursleves, and I will be back, tomorrow afternoon, with details about how it happened, and the meeting we had yesterday with his biomom (UGH).

Yesterday was what I call the “kiddie” march in our local town. It’s held by HeadStart and is to bring awareness that education for young children is an excellent thing. Over a hundred kids gather and march down the main road, stopping traffic and following a band. It is an awesome sight.

FS’s Infant/Toddler teacher had planned to go with me, because me with just FS and Babygirl in a park filled with over a hundred children did NOT sound like a good time.

Halfway through the march I hear something behind me. It’s a voice calling out FS’s name. Oh.No.

There she was, FS’s biological mother, marching behind us with one of her cronies trying to get his attention. The teacher had FS with her, and I was behind her, so I sort of tried to shield him, but it was no use. Eventually, he heard her and saw her. The next thing I knew she had abandoned her daughter to go up and hold FS’s hand - so there he was holding both hands.

We got to the park and I saw biomom try to pull FS away with her. I do not think she was attempting to run with him, but she was trying to assert dominance over him. The teacher did NOT let go.

She ended up sitting with us as we ate our ice cream, and the teacher watched over him while he played on the playground - with his biomom right there the whole time. I tried to avoid the situation, as there were so many things I wanted to say, but knew I shouldn’t. She was so focused on FS, however, that she lost her five-year-old daughter, and didn’t seem concerned about losing her.

Eventually it was time to go, and the teacher had me walk out and said she’d be behind in a few minutes. She was, and I could clearly hear FS saying, “I don’t wanna” with a pouty expression on his face. Turns out that his biomom was crying and hugging him tight. I do understand that it’s difficult, but her social worker hs explained that her doing that makes it more difficult for FS, and she’s not supposed to.

The teacher then told me that she’d overheard biomom making this statement:

“She didn’t buy you sandals? Don’t worry - momma will buy you sandals shortly.”

Yeah - he just barely (last weekend) got new shoes - like I wouldn’t get him sandals as summer came on. Uh huh. Stupid little comments like that can make you livid, but, as his social worker has said many times, there are so many more fish to fry, it’s good to not get hung up on the minnows.

Foster Parenting, FS

Today I have had enough.

It’s been a rough month, with my grandmother passing on and starting a new job, but for some reason, today, I’ve had it.

My biodaughter, Babygirl, wanted a blanket this morning while I was in the bathroom. Toad (bioson) told her to go get it. FS decided that HE wanted the same blanket, so HE went and grabbed it and wouldn’t let it go. Toad tried to referee, and FS slapped him in the face.

I called my husband, very upset, because we have always agreed that if our children were miserable, we would do something to change the situation. They’re miserable - I’m miserable. This situation, as much as I hate to say it, can not continue. Scott will be heading to DCF after work to talk with them.

Unfortunately there are times when, as much as you want to help, you just can’t. I think we may have reached an impasse -

When we were in our foster parenting class, our instructor made a statement that I will never forget.

“So be sure to be listening. You might be walking down the isle in the grocery store when your foster child suddenly feels safe enough to confide in you. He or she may look right at you and explain, in detail, how somebody hurt or molested them. It is then that you have to have a poker face and do not show any emotion, because the child can believe that any shock or disgust that shows up on your face is directed at them.”

So far I have not had this occur. What I have had to do was to learn to not be shocked whenever FS’s biomom says something really stupid - or wrong.

Tuesday, after his visit, she walked us to the van. She has NEVER done this, and it will not be happening again. But during the walk she kept saying how he was a baby (part of the reason I can’t get him to realize he’s a big boy, I now realize), and exclaiming that he was holding her hand “so tightly”, while telling him that it would only be a few more visits before he got to go home.

Right then I wanted to turn around and blast her. I wanted to scream at her that if she hadn’t been such a moron, her child would never have had to adjust to having visits and going home with some other family that has rules that are so different from what he was raised in. I wanted to tell her that his entire developmental delay can be laid on her doorstep, that she has been wrong about everything so far, from his being deaf to his being allergic to chocolate.

Instead I smiled a small smile, had him give his mom a kiss and a hug, and loaded the kids into the van, only saying, “it’s confusing for him.”

This job makes you really, REALLY good at playing poker.

Foster parenting

Sorry I didn’t post yesterday! Things have gone crazy! This weeks seems like the week for appointments.

Monday FS had a Dr. Appt.
Tuesday FS had visitation
Today FS has his infant/toddler teacher visiting
Thursday Babygirl has a Dr. Appt
Friday is THE meeting.

By THE meeting, what I mean to say is that FS’s caseworker has confided in us that the purpose of the huge meeting we are invited to, is to show biomom exactly how far FS has come, and how difficult he reall is to raise. I am assuming that they hope that she will sign off her rights so that they do not have to go to court and battle. It will definitely be an interesting meeting.

FS, Biomom, Visitation

For the first time - EVER - my husband and I had a teenaged babysitter on Sunday. We only just remembered about our friend’s 15 year old daughter, and we knew that she was responsible enough to care for our rugrats. When I asked her if she thought she could handle all three of them, she replied, “Oh sure. Just yesterday I had 5 kids - two five year olds, two three year olds and a one year old. No problem.”

“Good,” I told her, “because my three are about equal to five. We’re golden!”

She came and the kids had absolutely no problem with us leaving. After we spent three hours at the auction (during which we bought an AWESOME new sectional couch for only 160!! LOVE AUCTIONS!), we headed home.

“So, how was it?” I asked her.

“It was great…except…well…FS is a little bit..umm..hyperactive, don’t you think?”

At that point he came over and proudly told me, “I pooped!”

Thankfully it was in the potty that he pooped, but the entire experience made me realize how much special care he does truly need. I’m getting rather used to it as I do it on a daily basis, but if he’s enough to wear down a 15 year old, then I still have no idea how his biological mother will handle it if he goes home. She does not watch him very well and just assumes that everything will be okay - which is the entire reason he ended up in foster care, everything did NOT go okay.

Thankfully our babysitter loves us (or really wants the money - I’m thinking it’s the money) and said she would have no problem returning.

foster parenting, babysitter, biomom

Alright, I’m “officially” opening up the floor for questions. I have mentioned previously that I want this to be a place that anyone can come to get answers about foster parenting, so let’s go! Ask any question you want, no question is bad. Unless you’re enquiring about the size of my husband’s genitalia, then we MAY need to talk…

I will answer all questions by Tuesday, so ask away!

Foster Parenting, Q&A

As a writer for this network, I also do the Brad Pitt website. It’s not often that stories from the two sites can intertwine, but this morning I discovered one that could.

According to Life & Style Magazine, Brad Pitt has walked out on Angelina for ignoring their biological daugher, Shiloh, over their adopted children.

One thing that a lot of prospective foster/adoptive parents worry about: that they will love their biological children more than their foster or adopted children. In Angie’s case, of course, the situation is backwards, but it still has to do with loving one child more than another.

I don’t generally worry about this. If you are brave enough and have enough heart to go into foster care than you have enough room in your heart for more children. It’s as simple as that. You have to love children to even consider becoming a foster parent, so it is only natural that you will come to love whatever child is in your home.

My oldest son is 6, and I have always told him that I do not love him MORE, I have just loved him LONGER, because he’s the oldest. It is the same with foster children - the longer they are in your home, the more you will love them.

And Angie? If you are doing what all these magazines say you are doing? Than do us all a favor: give Brad ALL of the kids and head for the hills.

Foster Parenting, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt

I love when my husband comes home and I can look at him and say “your turn” and get a little time for me. It makes things SO much easier.

Does that mean you should not consider foster parenting if you are single? Absolutely not. I know quite a few people who are single parents and are wonderful foster parents. In a lot of ways it makes things easier. For instance, when you have only one child, you may spend quite a bit of your day playing and entertaining the child so that they aren’t lonely. If you introduce a foster brother or sister, they both get the benefits as the foster child has someone to emulate and the biological child has someone to learn social skills with.

Does this mean it’s easy? Single parenting is NEVER easy, and foster parenting is definitely a challange, so it is not the easiest thing in the world.

Is it worth it? All of the single parents I know that are foster parents say, “yes”. They have said that it brings a large amount of fulfillment in their life.

One of the more wierd/difficult things about being a foster parent are the visitations. Depending on the situation, parents will have visitation rights, which are almost always supervised.

In our case the visitations are two hours, twice a week. They have graduated from one hour twice a week and are always supervised. In this case it means that the therapist or case worker is sitting behind a two way mirror watching the visit.

The wierd/difficult part comes when/if you meet up in the waiting room before the visitation. This almost always happens quite frequently unless there is a specific reason for it not to happen.

In my case we almost always see FS’s biomom. Today she was sitting there and started doing the one thing that drives me absolutely insane about her: talking in babytalk to FS, who is almost three. I am sure that this has contributed *just a bit* to his developmental delay.

Today I told the case worker (who is just back from vacation) that the babytalk is driving me nuts.

“I know.” she said. “We agree with you that it has to stop.”

I also told her that the biomom had again said that her son is allergic to chocolate. Trust me, with all the easter bunnies hopping around my house I would know if he was allergic to chocolate.

“Can you PLEASE inform her again that he is NOT allergic to chocolate.”

“Why did she say he was?” she asked.

“She said he was allergic because he would get a, and I quote, rash on his bum. In my world that’s called diaper rash.”

The case worker laughed and headed in to talk with mom.

That’s what’s hard - seeing these parents who just don’t know how to be parents. In FS’s biomom’s case it isn’t that she doesn’t want to be, it’s just that she’s not…well…how to say this politely…the elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor. She needs someone to hold her hand in order to be a good parent.