Foster Parents Online

I recieved this in an e-mail from FS’s new foster mom yesterday evening.

FS is doing wonderfully! We have all fallen in love with him. He’s adjusting quickly to his schedule with us. I am really hoping that he’ll be with us forever. He’s a perfect fit in our family. My children love having him in the house and he loves being with them as well. He has brought new life into our home. I must admit that I love watching my own children play with him almost as much as I enjoy playing with him myself. He is such a happy, little boy and he’s bringing great joy to all of us. My mom and dad are visiting tomorrow and they, too, are so excited about meeting him.

Thanks for your advice and especially for being there for FS when he needed you the most.

For anybody who ever wondered why a foster parent does it? The answer is right there.

Sorry it’s been a few days - Babygirl, Toad, Scott and I have been getting into a new routine since FS left our home. I had a really, really rough night on Thursday night, worrying that FS was really upset. After I wrote the post I went to Scott bawling. It was definitely tough.

Yesteday, though, I heard from his Infant/Toddler teacher. She had gone out to the new home and wanted me to know how he was doing.

“He’s got his own room, and he’s psyched about it. It’s decorated perfectly for a little boy. He’s got his own toys, and the new foster mom says that just when she starts to get tired, her older sons (they’re 12 and 14) come home and start to play with FS, so he’s always got someone willing to play with him.”

This lightened my load considerably and reminded me WHY I do this - to help children find their forever families. Looks like FS has just found his.

It doesn’t mean, though, that we will be out of his life forever - and the saga with his biomom and the new foster family is just beginning. But now I can rest easy knowing that he’s safe, he’s secure, and he’s loved the way he needs to be.

Foster Care, FS, Foster Mother, Biological Mom

Today we dropped of FS at DCF for a visit and he left with his new foster parents.

FS is almost 3, but has the mind of a 2 year old, thus explaining it all to him was decided against (by his case worker and therapist). I dropped him off for his visit, came home, packed all of this things, and went back to await the new parents. They seemed like a nice couple, and the mother actually started tearing up at the hopes that he can become their new son permanently.

I transferred everything to the father’s truck (out of sight of FS - he was still at the office) and went back to the office to find them fitting him into his new car seat. He was SO excited. “Mom look!” he exclaimed and proceeded to sit in it and show me how it worked. I sat back and let the new foster mom ooh and aah over everything.

Then the time came to go, and his case worker said, “Hey FS - would you like to go see some cows?” The new foster father works on a farm. He got really excited and let the foster mom help him on with his jacket.

“Say goodbye to mom,” she said to him.

He came over to me, “bye”, he said with a grin on his face. I zipped up his jacket and gave him a quick hug. “Bye baby.”

I felt myself starting to cry, which was not good for him, so I walked into the other room, leaving my biodaughter Babygirl with the therapist.

And FS walked out of my life.

Foster parenting

Tomorrow, after his visit with his biomom, FS will be leaving us. I will be meeting his new foster mom at DCF and transferring his things while he is still in his visit. This is good because it allows me to pack his things while he is at his visit, so he doesn’t have to see me doing it.

Yes, I am a little sad, but ideally this is what’s best for him, and that is what Foster Parenting is all about. So I’m going to spend the day goofing around with the two little ones, and trying to enjoy oursleves, and I will be back, tomorrow afternoon, with details about how it happened, and the meeting we had yesterday with his biomom (UGH).

Next week, it is very likely that FS will be leaving our home and going to a possible adoptive home.

While I can not get a straight answer from DCF, it sounds like they will be going for TPR (termination of parental rights). We told his caseworker that if this occured, we wanted them to find a permanent home for him, as we were not going to be able to adopt him.

A few days ago his case worker said she thought they had a possible placement. Two days ago I talked to his new possible foster/adoptive mother.

They’re new to fostering and have two tweenagers, which is perfect for FS. The mother is a teacher, and the father is a farmer. This is IDEAL for him. His new foster mother sounds really nice. He will probably be heading to his new home either Wednesday night or Thursday night. We feel this is best as we have two burials to attend on Friday, and do not want him to have to have the stress of going through it all at once.

Yes, I’m a little sad, but I know that this is the best thing for him. He’s almost 3 years old and deserves someone to love him unconditionally and to be crazy for him. While we love and care for him, he does not mesh well with our family, just as we do not mesh well with him. To adopt him would lead to serious family problems, so I am glad that they have found someone who wants to adopt him.

More on this later this week…

To all the Biological/Foster/Adoptive mothers out there -

You’re doing a hell of a job - even if you don’t think you are.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

Yesterday was what I call the “kiddie” march in our local town. It’s held by HeadStart and is to bring awareness that education for young children is an excellent thing. Over a hundred kids gather and march down the main road, stopping traffic and following a band. It is an awesome sight.

FS’s Infant/Toddler teacher had planned to go with me, because me with just FS and Babygirl in a park filled with over a hundred children did NOT sound like a good time.

Halfway through the march I hear something behind me. It’s a voice calling out FS’s name. Oh.No.

There she was, FS’s biological mother, marching behind us with one of her cronies trying to get his attention. The teacher had FS with her, and I was behind her, so I sort of tried to shield him, but it was no use. Eventually, he heard her and saw her. The next thing I knew she had abandoned her daughter to go up and hold FS’s hand - so there he was holding both hands.

We got to the park and I saw biomom try to pull FS away with her. I do not think she was attempting to run with him, but she was trying to assert dominance over him. The teacher did NOT let go.

She ended up sitting with us as we ate our ice cream, and the teacher watched over him while he played on the playground - with his biomom right there the whole time. I tried to avoid the situation, as there were so many things I wanted to say, but knew I shouldn’t. She was so focused on FS, however, that she lost her five-year-old daughter, and didn’t seem concerned about losing her.

Eventually it was time to go, and the teacher had me walk out and said she’d be behind in a few minutes. She was, and I could clearly hear FS saying, “I don’t wanna” with a pouty expression on his face. Turns out that his biomom was crying and hugging him tight. I do understand that it’s difficult, but her social worker hs explained that her doing that makes it more difficult for FS, and she’s not supposed to.

The teacher then told me that she’d overheard biomom making this statement:

“She didn’t buy you sandals? Don’t worry - momma will buy you sandals shortly.”

Yeah - he just barely (last weekend) got new shoes - like I wouldn’t get him sandals as summer came on. Uh huh. Stupid little comments like that can make you livid, but, as his social worker has said many times, there are so many more fish to fry, it’s good to not get hung up on the minnows.

Foster Parenting, FS

Today I have had enough.

It’s been a rough month, with my grandmother passing on and starting a new job, but for some reason, today, I’ve had it.

My biodaughter, Babygirl, wanted a blanket this morning while I was in the bathroom. Toad (bioson) told her to go get it. FS decided that HE wanted the same blanket, so HE went and grabbed it and wouldn’t let it go. Toad tried to referee, and FS slapped him in the face.

I called my husband, very upset, because we have always agreed that if our children were miserable, we would do something to change the situation. They’re miserable - I’m miserable. This situation, as much as I hate to say it, can not continue. Scott will be heading to DCF after work to talk with them.

Unfortunately there are times when, as much as you want to help, you just can’t. I think we may have reached an impasse -

Today was a very rough day for me.

First of all, Scott took the day off of work and headed out of town with my SIL and her boyfriend. He NEVER takes time off of work - even when I’m half dead with sickness, he still goes in. So I am very, very curious as to where he went, and I can’t help but feel a little left out.

Next, FS decided today, of all days, to really, REALLY act up. Everything he could do to annoy me, he did. And a very little part of me was fed up enough to think about picking up the phone and calling DCF to tell them that I was done.

I restrained myself. There are hard days, but there are good days, and you just hope that you get more of the good than the hard.

I really, REALLY need a good day tomorrow.

I had a great question from Brenda the other day.

Do you have to be married to be a foster parent?

Excellent question!

The quick answer? No.

The long answer? It’s always difficult to be a single parent, and being a parent to a foster child is always stressful. So, when you pile both of these stresses on top of each other, you have one really, really stressful situation.

It is totally possible to be a single foster parent, it just takes a huge amount of patience, love and understanding. Good scheduling abilities don’t hurt either. While I give kudos to anybody that raises foster children, I have a special appreciation for single parents who raise foster children.

When we were in our foster parenting class, our instructor made a statement that I will never forget.

“So be sure to be listening. You might be walking down the isle in the grocery store when your foster child suddenly feels safe enough to confide in you. He or she may look right at you and explain, in detail, how somebody hurt or molested them. It is then that you have to have a poker face and do not show any emotion, because the child can believe that any shock or disgust that shows up on your face is directed at them.”

So far I have not had this occur. What I have had to do was to learn to not be shocked whenever FS’s biomom says something really stupid - or wrong.

Tuesday, after his visit, she walked us to the van. She has NEVER done this, and it will not be happening again. But during the walk she kept saying how he was a baby (part of the reason I can’t get him to realize he’s a big boy, I now realize), and exclaiming that he was holding her hand “so tightly”, while telling him that it would only be a few more visits before he got to go home.

Right then I wanted to turn around and blast her. I wanted to scream at her that if she hadn’t been such a moron, her child would never have had to adjust to having visits and going home with some other family that has rules that are so different from what he was raised in. I wanted to tell her that his entire developmental delay can be laid on her doorstep, that she has been wrong about everything so far, from his being deaf to his being allergic to chocolate.

Instead I smiled a small smile, had him give his mom a kiss and a hug, and loaded the kids into the van, only saying, “it’s confusing for him.”

This job makes you really, REALLY good at playing poker.

Foster parenting

Sorry I didn’t post yesterday! Things have gone crazy! This weeks seems like the week for appointments.

Monday FS had a Dr. Appt.
Tuesday FS had visitation
Today FS has his infant/toddler teacher visiting
Thursday Babygirl has a Dr. Appt
Friday is THE meeting.

By THE meeting, what I mean to say is that FS’s caseworker has confided in us that the purpose of the huge meeting we are invited to, is to show biomom exactly how far FS has come, and how difficult he reall is to raise. I am assuming that they hope that she will sign off her rights so that they do not have to go to court and battle. It will definitely be an interesting meeting.

FS, Biomom, Visitation