Foster Parents Online

For the first time - EVER - my husband and I had a teenaged babysitter on Sunday. We only just remembered about our friend’s 15 year old daughter, and we knew that she was responsible enough to care for our rugrats. When I asked her if she thought she could handle all three of them, she replied, “Oh sure. Just yesterday I had 5 kids - two five year olds, two three year olds and a one year old. No problem.”

“Good,” I told her, “because my three are about equal to five. We’re golden!”

She came and the kids had absolutely no problem with us leaving. After we spent three hours at the auction (during which we bought an AWESOME new sectional couch for only 160!! LOVE AUCTIONS!), we headed home.

“So, how was it?” I asked her.

“It was great…except…well…FS is a little bit..umm..hyperactive, don’t you think?”

At that point he came over and proudly told me, “I pooped!”

Thankfully it was in the potty that he pooped, but the entire experience made me realize how much special care he does truly need. I’m getting rather used to it as I do it on a daily basis, but if he’s enough to wear down a 15 year old, then I still have no idea how his biological mother will handle it if he goes home. She does not watch him very well and just assumes that everything will be okay - which is the entire reason he ended up in foster care, everything did NOT go okay.

Thankfully our babysitter loves us (or really wants the money - I’m thinking it’s the money) and said she would have no problem returning.

foster parenting, babysitter, biomom

Over here at 451Press, we are celebrating “take your child to work” day. Today the post will be dictated by my three year old biological daughter, Babygirl! Enjoy!

Hi! My name is Babygirl. My brother’s name is Toad. I like that FS lives with us. I like to play with him. I love FS. I wish FS would stay in bed in the morning.

Can I have an Easter candy now, Mommy??

I like to play with FS. We play with toys - FS breaks toys. I think means to do it.

Toad likes to play the Gamecube. I like to play the Gameboy. I think Daddy ate my Easter candy - he LOOOVVESS it!

*speaking to FS* FS - if you go Potty, you can have some candy!

*speaking to me as I’m typing* Mom - what are you doing? I didn’t say nuthin’!

Sometimes FS is a bad boy. I still like him though.

Thanks for reading!

foster parenting, biological children

For the first time…EVER…our foster son came to me today and told me he had to go poop - and then proceeded to go poop on the potty.

YAY!!!!

Most children that come into foster care have a problem that comes with them. Some have only minor ones, some have major ones, but none of them are perfect. Our FS’s big problem (one of many) was learning to go pee and poopy on the potty.

Today marked a landmark!

Potty training, foster children problems

Tomorrow morning, bright and early at 8:30 A.M., I will have FS’s Infant/Toddler teacher, new EEE teacher, the EEE teacher’s boss, FS’s social worker AND therapist all here, sitting comfy and cozy in my home.

FS is turning three in a month, which means he transfers from the Infant/Toddler program to the EEE (school) program. The meeting is to discuss his need for an IEP (individual education plan) or 501 (another type of specialized education plan).

His Infant/Toddler teacher told me last week that the social worker hardly EVER shows up. Then she called me yesterday.

“So, hi, Randi? Yeah, it looks like P is going to be coming after all. Are you still okay with this?”

“I guess so - they won’t be freaked out if I’m still wearing, like, a nightie at 8:30 in the morning, will they?” (TOTAL JOKE HERE PEOPLE - my nightie comes off at 8! )

And the I spoke with this therapist twenty minutes later.

“So it looks like, as long as things go as planned, I’ll be at your house too.”

This is one thing about having a foster child that takes getting used to. Foster children have a HUGE safety net under them. It’s good because it gives you someone to turn to when you need help - it’s NOT so good when you’ve got to host them all in your house and IT’S NOT CLEAN!!!

If you need me, I’ll be scrubbing the floor!

Foster Parenting, Social Workers, EEE, Infant/Toddler

We’ve got a treat today! Ben over at Silly Old Bear (an AWESOME blog to read - trust me, I’ve been reading it for years), took the time to answer some questions. Ben and his wonderful wife fostered a number of children and adopted three (all three are absolutely beautiful, by the way).

Why did you decide to go into foster care?

We had been married for nearly ten years, we wanted kids. It looked like we might have a hard time having them on our own (and it turns out that I’m infertile), and somewhere in there we heard an advertisement for foster training that was going on in our area. Now here’s a note for your audience - they encourage you to NOT go into foster care if you are dealing with fertility issues, and that is good advice. It would be up to each individual or couple if they could handle the feelings that come up along the way. That could be an entire essay by itself, but I wanted to mention that. Some agencies will not license you for foster care (or will have reservations about doing so) if you have fertility issues. We kept it pretty quiet while we were going through the licensing process.

What was the process you followed to become a foster parent and how did you start it?

We attended training classes in the evening for about twelve weeks; during the classes they did a background check and home inspections (fire and health department in addition to children’s services). We also waited a while

Did you find the classes difficult? Informative?

Not difficult. We learned a bunch - since we didn’t have kids some of it is really informative. Before we started we thought we certainly wanted to adopt. After the second class (I think) we changed to foster only (heh). Then later we decided we’d foster and MAYBE adopt.

How long was it after your first class before they called you to foster?

We started training in August; had our interviews after that, were officially licensed in January and had our first placement in March.

What do you see as the biggest difficulties in fostering? The biggest rewards?

Learning patience
That has also been one of the biggest rewards - it’s a long journey.

From my wife, she sees it in stages:
When kids first arrive, they are from different backgrounds, it takes time for everyone to adapt to one another. While they are here, you are constantly learning patience and a million other things about parenting (it’s like taking parenting “up a notch” to steal from Food Network). When kids leave, it breaks your heart and disrupts your house - even though it is often what you know is best for the child. Then you worry that everything is okay for them

There is another side of the difficulties, and that is dealing with the beauracracy of children’s services; court dates and lawyers; doctors, the whole nine yards. Again, that could be another essay (and perhaps sometime if you want we can explore that line of thought)

How long did it take to finalize the adoption of your children?

Our first child it was over a year and a half, and same with the second (mom wanted to contest it but couldn’t stay clean enough so she eventually gave in). Both of these came to us as foster placements that turned out to be permanent. Our third was actually an adoptive placement when she arrived, but it still was over a year before it was final.

What was the adoption process like?

Again, it varies. Our first was tiny when he arrived - three months. While we were going through the adoption process (which was a drawn out series of court dates) we were also fostering other kids, so we had our hands full. It was an emotional roller coaster, and when they finally called and said that everything was done I think I broke down and cried in
my boss’ office. My youngest, as I said, was an adoptive placement from the beginning - we never saw mom, we had only one court date (where the judge said “good luck,”) and then one last date to finalize everything.

The hardest part of that adoption was moving the paperwork to our home town; as soon as you add any wrinkles like that, time and money start to multiply.

Any final words of advice to prospective foster parents?

Fostering is an incredible experience; it is rewarding in ways you cannot imagine. It is not for the timid - I can almost guarantee there will be problems for you at some point - but it’s nothing you can’t overcome. The main thing for me (and for the other foster parents I have dealt with) is that it is all about the children. It is not a child’s fault that mom or dad can’t stay straight or employed or have problems with the law or simply can’t handle parenting tasks. We’re here to offer them a safety
net, and sometimes a new home forever. I can’t think of much that is more important in this world than giving children a chance.

Since it’s been mostly quiet on the questions front (a few here and there that I’ve answered privately), I decided to check and see what is being typed into search engines to bring people here. Two questions popped out right off.

1 - Do I need to become a foster parent to take care of my nephew?

2 - Can I become a foster parent and still homeschool?

Two really, really good questions. Let’s answer these now, shall we?

1 - When our nephew was 16 he was diagnosed with a severe mental disorder. Because of his disorder, and his wildness, my sister-in-law could no longer care adequately for him - so we did. He was placed with us through the local department of mental health and, because of his situation, we recieved a stipend every month for his care. All of this occured before we ever had a license. This is called kinship care.

It is possible to become a caregiver for your relative without being a licensed foster parent, but the amount of money you recieve, or IF you recieve money, depends greatly on the state and the circumstances surrounding the case. DCF always does their best to find a suitable relative to take the child that has been taken into custody, but if none can be found, the child goes formally into the foster care system, living with a licensed foster family. A social worker will be the one to decide if a family member that wants to take the child is capable of doing so.

2- In our foster course we actually had someone bring up this question. She had home schooled both of her children, who were now in high school, and wanted to do the same with any foster child that came into her home. The answer from the instructor was an emphatic “no”. She explained that when a child comes into your home, you are not their legal guardian - the state is. With the state’s guidelines the child needs to be placed in a licensed school system, especially if they come to the family and are already enrolled in a school. If adoption is finalized, only then can you pull your child out of school and homeschool them.

Foster parenting, homeschooling, kinship care

One of the trickier aspects to manage when you are a foster parent is how you deal with family.

Today we are heading up to my Aunt and Uncle’s house - my Uncle is actually my husband’s age, and their children are my children’s age. We have been visiting them since our children have been born, but we have not gone up since our foster son arrived in January.

Our foster son gets extremely excited when other kids are around and people/things tend to get broken. This will be a real chance to see if he is improving or not in this area, and will help us know if he still needs some help or if he’s “getting it”.

Foster Parenting, Foster Children

Hokie Spirit Memorial Fund

April 16, 2007, will be remembered as one of the darkest days in the history of the Virginia Tech community and the world beyond.

To remember and honor the victims of those tragic events, the university has established the Hokie Spirit Memorial Fund to aid in the healing process and generate financial support.

The fund will be used to cover expenses including but not limited to:

• Grief counseling
• Memorials
• Communication expenses
• Comfort expenses
• Incidental needs

If you plan to give, please click the link below:

There are a lot of people who are mandated reporters: school teachers, doctors, nurses, ect. Foster parents are also mandated reporters.

What is a mandated reporters? In plain English it means that if you suspect that child abuse or neglect is occuring, you are required, by law, to report it to the authorities (i.e. DCF). If you do not report it to the authorities and it is proven that you had knowledge of it, you could be in trouble and, possibly, face jail time.

While this sounds kind of scary, it really isn’t. Children need protection and people to look out for them, because they often don’t know what is good in life and what is bad. In my opinion, EVERYBODY should be considered a mandated reporter.

Mandated reporter, foster care

Our FS’s infant/toddler teacher came today. It’s been a few weeks due to my grandmother’s death and an illness that swept through her family. Of course, FS decided that he was going to act up.

During his one hour visit he:

-Had to be told to sit on his behind instead of his knees (because they’re wearing raw) no less than 40 times

-Refused to concentrate on ANYTHING

-Climbed all over the infant/toddler teacher constantly

-Put the fake baby on the bookshelf (as a means of going ‘ni-ni’)

-Had to be told to settle down about a half a dozen times

-Whacked Toad in the face with a wooden toy because he WOULD NOT settle down

-Had to sit in the chair for 2 minutes

-Stepped on all the toys because he “wanted to”

So, yeah, it was a WONDERFUL visit. I admitted to his teacher that both my husband and my patience is wearing thin. Not that we don’t care for our foster son - we do. He’s extremely demanding in that he is a year delayed and extremely hyper. I honestly, now, don’t know how parents who have children who are diagnosed with ADHD do it. I don’t think he has ADHD, but he can NOT sit still and he’s got more energy in his pinkie than I’ve had since I was 10!

The teacher asked if, when/if FS left, that we would still like to do foster care. The answer was, easily, YES. However, if, at his six month review, DCF decides that they want to terminate parental rights permanently, we do not believe that we want to adopt him.

Of course I feel like a heel saying that, because I do love all children. But you have to recognize what is a good fit for your family and what is not. FS brings the stress level up in the house about 150%, which, in turn, makes us have less patience with all of the children. What he really needs is a home with either much older children or, ideally, NO other children.

We do know that there are people on a waiting list for adoption that really want toddlers and infants, so I have no doubt that they will be able to find a good home for him very quickly should he come up for adoption. I do not, however, believe that he will come up for adoption - the winds at DCF seem to be shifting towards reconnection, which is always the goal.

What I’m trying to say (in my long-winded way) is that it’s okay to know and say that a child is not a good fit for a permanent place in your family. Being able to love and give them the best while they’re with you is really what being a foster parent is all about - it’s meant to be a stepping stone and not necessarily a mountain.

Foster Parenting, Foster children, Family/Infant Toddler Program

My thoughts, today, are with the thirty-three people whose lives were taken in the Virginia Tech Shootings yesterday. My thoughts and prayers are with the grieving family as well…to have your son/daughter/sister/brother/grandchild ripped from your life in such a way is the most horrible thing that can happen to any family. May God bless you all.

I am SO sorry I haven’t posted in a few days…things have been nuts!

Working two part-time jobs (one in real live, another as a freelance writer), I am constantly trying to juggle schedules. Add a foster child into the mix who has a bunch of appointments to make and get to and you’re talking grand central station type schedules.

My husband is actually home for a week, and while this means more sleeping-in for me, it also means more schedules to juggle: what to do with so-and-so, who takes so-and-so, ect.

Just this morning I had a call from both FS’s therapist and his infant/toddler teacher to set up appointments for this week…and I STILL haven’t gotten back with his infant/toddler teacher!

But what’s wonderful about these people is that they are used to working around busy schedules, because they have them too. In some larger cities it is estimated that the average DCF caseworker handles at least 40 children. FORTY CHILDREN. I have three and I’m ready to tear my hair out.

Another reason to respect social workers.

DCF, Foster Parenting, Social Workers

Alright, I’m “officially” opening up the floor for questions. I have mentioned previously that I want this to be a place that anyone can come to get answers about foster parenting, so let’s go! Ask any question you want, no question is bad. Unless you’re enquiring about the size of my husband’s genitalia, then we MAY need to talk…

I will answer all questions by Tuesday, so ask away!

Foster Parenting, Q&A

As a writer for this network, I also do the Brad Pitt website. It’s not often that stories from the two sites can intertwine, but this morning I discovered one that could.

According to Life & Style Magazine, Brad Pitt has walked out on Angelina for ignoring their biological daugher, Shiloh, over their adopted children.

One thing that a lot of prospective foster/adoptive parents worry about: that they will love their biological children more than their foster or adopted children. In Angie’s case, of course, the situation is backwards, but it still has to do with loving one child more than another.

I don’t generally worry about this. If you are brave enough and have enough heart to go into foster care than you have enough room in your heart for more children. It’s as simple as that. You have to love children to even consider becoming a foster parent, so it is only natural that you will come to love whatever child is in your home.

My oldest son is 6, and I have always told him that I do not love him MORE, I have just loved him LONGER, because he’s the oldest. It is the same with foster children - the longer they are in your home, the more you will love them.

And Angie? If you are doing what all these magazines say you are doing? Than do us all a favor: give Brad ALL of the kids and head for the hills.

Foster Parenting, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt

I love when my husband comes home and I can look at him and say “your turn” and get a little time for me. It makes things SO much easier.

Does that mean you should not consider foster parenting if you are single? Absolutely not. I know quite a few people who are single parents and are wonderful foster parents. In a lot of ways it makes things easier. For instance, when you have only one child, you may spend quite a bit of your day playing and entertaining the child so that they aren’t lonely. If you introduce a foster brother or sister, they both get the benefits as the foster child has someone to emulate and the biological child has someone to learn social skills with.

Does this mean it’s easy? Single parenting is NEVER easy, and foster parenting is definitely a challange, so it is not the easiest thing in the world.

Is it worth it? All of the single parents I know that are foster parents say, “yes”. They have said that it brings a large amount of fulfillment in their life.